


The begining of forever.

by Cospcoogweell



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Blood Loss, Character Death, F/M, Grey Wardens, Past Character Death, Spoilers, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Tags Contain Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-29
Updated: 2015-05-21
Packaged: 2018-03-20 06:08:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3639615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cospcoogweell/pseuds/Cospcoogweell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nesini Mahariel learns of Alistair's death. It is the final thing that the Hero of Ferelden is able to take.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Better to hear it from a friend.

The Inquisitor's offer to write Nesini had been kind. Likely she had wanted to spare anyone else the pain. She wanted to explain why she had left Alistair to his fate over Hawke. Leliana had insisted on sending the letter to Nesini so that she could hear about Alistair's fate from a friend. 

"It is better she hear it from me. If you lost the Iron Bull wouldn't you want a friend to tell you rather than someone you had never met?" Leliana had spoken very little to the Inquisitor since she had returned. Even with those few words Vela Lavekan could hear the accusation in Leliana's tone. So she left her Spymaster be.

Morrigan had offered, she counted Nesini one of if not her only friend. The two had actually bickered on the matter. That fact now made Leliana feel petty and childish. Though all she had said was true, Morrigan had never liked Alistair. She had taunted him every chance that she got when they had all traveled together. Teasing him on his intelligence, saying that Nesini could have done far better than him. It felt like things had changed though, their brief interaction while at Skyhold had been polite.Though saddly he only spoke to Morrigan. Kieran should have gotten to know Alistair, now the boy would never get to know him. 

Nesini had told her all bout the ritual, it had hurt her. To save her life as well as the man she loved it had to be done though. Leliana remembered Nesini's tears that night. Alistair was going to have a child that he was never going to see if Morrigan had her way. That she could deal with as much as it stung that Morrigan had kept the ritual a secret. What had hurt the most was the fear that she could not give him a family. Nesini did not know much about the taint, but for the ritual the taint could not be old. Nesini wanted Alistair to have a family, he had so desperately wanted for his sister and him to be close. While he was her main concern Leliana knew that Nesini also wanted a family, she wanted a life and a child with Alistair.

Seeing Hawke walking about Skyhold twisted the knife in Leliana's heart. Alistair had been her friend, he was a good and noble man. He had loved Nesini with all his heart. Around him she had changed, at first she seemed to resent the mission they were on. She had never wanted to become a Warden, she missed her clan. With Alistair though she opened up. Watching the two of them at camp had warmed her heart. Nesini had to stand on her tip toes when they kissed, often she would grip the front of Alistair's armor and tug him down a bit.

The Maker had brought the two of them together, Leliana had been sure of it. Nesini had laughed when Leliana had told her that, she may not have believed in the Maker but that did not mean his hand had not lead her to Alistair. Leliana had loved watching the two of them exchange sweet words and gifts. Nesini had been so patient, letting Alistair move things along when he was ready. While the idea of being raised in the Chantry had been strange to her she understood that Alistair needed time. Alistair needed time to understand Nesini as well, she was a Dalish elf they came from different worlds. Even still they were just meant to be.

Leliana looked down to the note she had started on and shook her head. She had not even realized that she had been crying until she saw the drops on the note.

"Oh Maker. How do I tell her?" A soft sob shook her body as she leaned against the desk.

"Nesini is a strong woman. One of the strongest that I have ever met, just tell her. It you try to sugar coat it things will be worse." Morrigan's voice floated from the stairs.

Leliana knew she was right but still found the words to be so cold. "So just send a letter saying Alistair is dead. That is all it should say. Is that what you are saying?"

"'Twas not what I meant. You know that." 

The two stood in silence for sometime after that. Morrigan stood with her arms crossed as the crows flapped restless in their cages. The witch moved closer then resting her hand on Leliana's shoulder as the spymaster wiped her eyes. They both knew that no matter how this note was worded that Nesini would be deeply hurt by the loss of Alistair. She had gone through so much already, Leliana feared that this would break her. 

"Say there 'twas nothing that could be done. He died a hero, giving his life so the Inquisitor may have a chance to put the world right. 'Tis the truth after all."

Morrigan turned and left with that, she wanted to see her son. Leliana took a deep breath to steel herself and moved the paper wet with her tears aside to start all over again.

\---

_Nesini,_

_I do not know if you have heard yet about what has happened to the Wardens at Adamant Fortress. If not there was a battle, the Wardens were corrupted. Those left will help the Inquisition, unfortunately Alistair will not be among them. The Inquisitor, Hawke, and Alistair were trapped in the fade. They were sent there physically during battle through a rift. While there Alistair gave his life distracting a being known as Nightmare so that Hawke and the Inquisitor may escape. He was as brave as he has always been even in the end, an example of everything a Warden should be. I know that all the two of you ever wanted was to be together when this was done. I am so sorry my friend, please come to Skyhold. Do not be alone during this time, you will be among friends here. The Inquisition is fighting a good fight, your skills would be put to good use here. Give the information about the Calling to me and my agents. We will do the research, Dagna would help I am sure. You do not need to be alone. Please at the very least give it some thought._

_With a heavy heart,_

_Leliana._

\---

There was nothing more to say Leliana felt so she attached the note to her swiftest crow and send him on his way.


	2. Not strong enough to stay.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nesini says goodbye.

Numb. That was what Nesini currently felt. It was as though someone had reached deep down inside of her and tore away... everything. She sat there in the small cottage that she had made into her home base. Leliana's letter sat on the desk in front of her, crumpled and slightly burned. Nesini's first reaction had been to ball up the letter and throw it in the fireplace. Her hand still bore the burns from hastily pulling the paper from the flames, she had to read it again. She must have missed something, misread. Alistair was not dead, he just couldn't be.

No matter how many times she had reread the letter it didn't change though. Leliana's delicate handwriting was too familiar to believe that it was a fake. She touched the scorched edge of the paper, thinking of the letter she had sent to Skyhold. Lavellan had reached out to her on the suggestion of Alistair, Nesini slammed her fist on the table sending her glass of water off the edge. 

"I told her to take care of him!" She sobbed her hands covering her face.

She stood tossing the small table across the room. It was storming outside, she herself was soaked to the bone. An entrance to the Deep Roads was near by. She had been inspecting the work of a mage she had paid to seal it up. That was when the crow had come. 

Her short red hair dripped cold water down her neck as she slammed her fist into the wall, her forehead resting against the cool stone.

"Dread Wolf take the damn Inquisition, and the Inquisitor, and..."

Nesini crumpled to the floor sobbing. She wrapped her arms around herself rocking on the floor. She should never have let Alistair stay behind. They were going to rid themselves of the taint, get rid of the Calling. The affairs of the Grey Wardens should not have mattered anymore. They should have been together, letting duty come between them had been the worst mistake that she had ever made. They were supposed to have been together forever, he had promised.

Nesini had not shed a tear sitting through her Vallaslin, not allowed herself to cry when she left her clan. She had always been strong, always hidden away her feelings. Tamlen had gotten her to open up some before his death. It was not until her quest to save Ferelden that she had felt able to show herself. Alistair had opened her up, then Zevran had become a close friend. Who she would tease and laugh with. Leliana and Morrigan had become like sisters to her, they were so different but Nesini had loved them both. Oghren was like a brother, a drunk brother but a brother still. Wynne was a mother, and in an odd way Sten was like a father to her. Nothing could describe Shale.

Even with all the friends and allies that she had made Nesini had never felt more alone in her whole life.

She sat there on the dirt floor for sometime before she moved to the papers that had been scattered when she had thrown the table. She picked up a blank sheet and gathered some ink and a quill. Smoothing the paper onto the floor she started to write.

A few months back she had reached out to Zevran and Nathaniel, a piece of the puzzle was within reach but she needed the aid of her fellow rouges. The two assassins were close enough to respond so they had lent their aid with out hesitation. They had likely been caught in the storm and had sought shelter. She had to leave them with instructions, with an explanation. They had been true friends, a goodbye was the least that she owed them.

\---

_Nate, Zev,_

_Take all the information we have on the Calling to the Inquisition, the very least they owe us is aid. Nate you should aid the remaining Wardens in any way that you can, they will need a man like you. Zev, just do what you do best. I am sure that the Inquisition knows some people who need to meet your blades. I am sorry that I will not be able to go with you. The trip should be easy enough for two skilled men such as yourself, I worry still. I can't help but find it funny, the two men who tired to kill me but became my friends anyway are the people who came to my aid when I saught to finally do something for myself. These words, along with the supplies I leave in this cabin are all I have to offer you for your friendship._

_Nate, you are nothing like your father. I mean that in the best way. You have honor, and nobility. Few fight with your passion, I knew from the second I saw you that I would spare you. That action was one I never regretted. I know the path of the Grey Wardens was one that you would have taken had our paths not crossed. Just keep fighting the good fight, even if there is a way to remove the taint. Don't stop putting your arrow through threats to Ferelden._

_Zev, I am sorry I called you a flat ear. I know I have said that before more times than I can count. You showed me that there was more important things than where you were raised. A city or a forest, it dose not matter. What matters is your heart, for an assassin yours is rather large. I am honored to call you my friend, you are one of the truest elves that I have ever met. I know sometimes we did not see eye to eye, but I will always appreciate the assassin who stood with me against the Archdemon._

_Please do not follow me, this is my end not yours._

_Dareth shiral_

_Nesini._

\---

Nathaniel at Zevran's insistance pushed through the rain back to the cottage. The elf claimed something was wrong and that they had to go but offered no explanation beyond that it was just a feeling he had. The inside of the cabin was in quite the state, Nesini was gone as was her armor and nearly all the potions that they had. Zevran turned and left to search the area while Nathaniel read the notes he found. One from Nesini saying what seemed to be goodbye, the other informing her of the death of Alistair.

"The entrance to the deep roads had been blown open." Zevran huffed as entered the cabin to be handed notes. That explained the missing grenades.

"Maybe we can catch up to her. Come on!" Nathaniel turned and ran through the door. Zevran right behind him, they were not about to let their friend fall alone, or at all if they could help it.


	3. Drips

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Memories come to Nesini in the Deep Roads after her battle.

Drip...Drip...Drip

Each swing of Nesini's blade had been a memory, a loss that resonated deep within her just like the sound of her Silverite blades meeting the armor of Darkspawn.

Her parents, gone before she had even known them. She had not even been born when her Father had been taken from the Clan, murdered. the true pain came with the knowledge that her Mother had vanished after she had been born. Ashalle had not meant to cause pain telling Nesini the truth. Knowing that she had been abandon, that as a baby who had needed her mother, that she had not been enough reason for her Mother to stay. That had hurt more than anything prior that she had known, though it was just the start of the pain.

Drip.

A Shriek had appeared behind her slashing at her with its blades. Nesini parried and decapitated the beast.

Tamlen, who had been her first love and the first death the had been responsible for other than an animal she had hunted. They should have turned back long before finding the cursed mirror. She should have convinced him to leave. Try as she may to remember him as he had been before the corruption had set in, tanned and impossibly handsome she could not help but think of the ghoul that she had to put down when he was on her mind. A false spirit's forgiveness in a temple of a shemlen deity did not soothe her pain.

Drip.

A Hurlock had managed to clobber her well enough to make her lose her helmet. A health poultice took the pain away though and she pushed through to continue her fight.

Daveth and Ser Jory. Though in honest she mourned the former over the latter. Daveth had been a brave man, Nesini would have rather liked to have known him better. Even Jory would have been welcome the quest to end the Blight could always use more Wardens. A Cut Purse, an Elf, and a Knight had been given the chance to be a Warden, only one made it. That would not be the last failed Joining Nesini would witness, it had planed the seeds of cynicism within her though. Every Joining she witnessed she went in telling herself it was likely that no one would survive, it made things easier when the losses were fewer.

Drip.

Another Genlock fell before before her, she lost one of her blades in its chest.

Duncan, the first human she had actually interacted with. The man who had saved her life, even when she had not wanted him to. He had been firm but understanding, someone who who she would not have minded following. When she had returned to Ostagar with Alistair she had claimed his Dagger as her own. It had been one of the blades she had used in her battle with the Archdemon, she continued to use it even now. She could not help but find it fitting that the last two Warden-Commanders of Ferelden had used the same blade, carried it into their final battles.

Drip.

Empty potion bottle littered the ground about her, keeping up had been difficult. The Darkspawn had thinned out and she was nearly burnt out.

Even the Keeper was gone, it had taken ages for the letter from the Clan to catch up to her. Marethari, who had saved her by delaying the taint long enough for her to become a Warden. Who had always seemed so wise, firm yet kind she was everything that Nesini had tried to be. Fenarel had been kind enough to send her word, even though most of the clan would not have bothered. She was an Arlessa, the Warden-Commander of Ferelden. She did not have to wander, and she rarely slept beneath the stars now. She still kept to the Way of Three Trees, she still remembered.

Drip.

The Ogre had nearly crushed her to death, she had managed to put the beast down. She remained where it had dropped her though too battered to move.

Drip.

Nesini shook the thoughts of the battle from her mind and looked down to the blade that was through her shoulder. Her blood was steadily dripping off the blade continuing to pool under her. Her head was heavy and her body tired. All around the small cave lay dead Darkspawn, maybe fifty she had not counted and could not count now.

All the people she had failed lingered in her thoughts. Citizens whose names she would never know, their faces she would never forget though. She had seen them as corpses in Redcliff, Denerim, and Lothering. People who she had arrived to late to save, or that she had left behind. The fate of a nation had been on her shoulders, someone with a Militant outlook would have expected losses. Nesini had known there would be losses between the Blight and the Civil War, but she still wondered if she would have done thing differently if that would have saved more people.

"Ir abela." She whispered, to those who she had failed. Nesini closed her eyes and when she opened them she saw light reflecting off golden armor.

Alistair, her true love. He had lost as much as she had, though he was far better at coping. He had always made her laugh, knew just what to do to make her smile. He had been witty and sweet. Not once had he faltered, he stood behind everything she had chose to do. He had loved her, even though she was an elf. He had slept with a woman he had hated and given up the right to see his child, all for her. She had left him behind, she would hold onto the promise that she would see him again though. Falon'Din would bring them together in the Beyond.

"Ma vhenan," Nesini smiled weakly, "This is the beginning of our forever. I will be with you soon.''

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ir abelas- I am sorry.  
> Ma vhenan- My heart.


End file.
